beavertribuneOn Friday afternoon, in another disturbingly provocative sit down student protest, police were forced to again react with unrestrained violence, to counter what one distraught officer could only describe later as ‘making the place look untidy’ and ’irritating singing’. A California university has since sent an undisclosed number of police officers on a Caribbean holiday to help them recover from their ordeal.
A tearful Sheriff Ret Aard explained “some of these officers done been at breaking point all day, what with they students sat on the ground and all. When they linked arms and started reading poetry we had no god-dam choice but to defend ourselves.We tried to passively seperate them by beating them to a bloody pulp, but when our batons started breaking or slipping on their oily blood we was forced to spray mustard gas into their faces. Only when most of them appeared dead did we feel confident enough to call it a day and have a beer ”.
Police casualties were thankfully minimal though some reported sore toes from prolonged ‘putting the boot in’ and one officer sustained a glancing blow from an Emily Dickinson novel, thrown by a girl with a lazy eye. Protesters were sadly unapologetic, one of the ringleaders who had unkept hair and a small beard told us from his hospital bed, “This is ridiculous I only went to the canteen to steal some teabags and maybe meet girls and now I’m in intensive care with a cracked pelvis. Bob Dylan would turn in his grave, if he was dead”
Police did their best to black-out media from covering today’s events, by revoking press credentials, barring reporting on the scene and punching journalists very hard in the bollocks.