beavertribuneThe Welsh singer, 35, of Pontypridd, known as ‘Wanker’ Watkins to his band mates was refused bail today as he was charged with offences ranging from not wearing a leek upon on St Davy’s day, to punching a sheep in the face.
Watkins claims to be innocent and whilst stroking a battered old ‘Jim’ll fuck your arse’ badge said in his defense ‘I don’t see what the big deal is to be honest, it’s Wales for fucks sake not Dubai. What else is there to do? You seen the fucking rain outside boyo, fucking pissing down, it’s always fucking pissing down!!’
The British Press have been quick to condemn Watkins latest claims however, on the grounds that it ‘makes for a good story and sells more of their shitty newspapers to people who delight in watching successful people with funny hairstyles fuck up very badly every once in a while’.
Fans of the band have expressed a mixture of shock and support. Pam Cockbum an ineffective Receptionist from Abergavenny said ‘I don’t care if he is Welsh and photoshops giraffes willies onto the bodies of naked gladiators, he’s hot and makes me feel all tingly in my panties’, even when I got my period see. I forgave him for being a goth and pretending to be an American in all his videos, so I hope we can get over this and I can get back to feeling moist down there again.
Terry ‘Eggs are Smashing’ Griffiths from neighboring town Llanelli, one of only seven players to have completed snooker’s triple crown in his 1980′s heyday was unavailable for comment when we broke into his flat late last night and accidentally knocked over his goldfish tank before scarpering.
The trial is scheduled to commence March 2013.
This article was withdrawn on 09/12/12 following advice from Dave’s brother in our pub legal team. It has been published without our consent purportedly by Julian Asswanger who can be found at the Embassy of Ecuador, London, Flat 9B, taking a big dump.