High oil prices not linked to pixies after all

In the latest of a series of embarrassing gaffes the Department of Energy was finally forced to admit last night that the real reason oil prices kept climbing exponentially was because the “fucking stuff is just running out, OK!” This revelation follows a number of increasingly banal statements made by the government and ‘experts’ to explain ever increasing prices, ranging from people bathing in the stuff to oil stealing pixies.
The revelation comes in light of the news that the purported ‘crisis in the Middle East’, has been anything but. With Muslims and Allied service personnel actually getting on like a house on fire, exchanging gifts during Ramadam and even a small number of same sex marriages.
The Ministry for Misinformation released a statement admitting “Yes it was all part of the ploy you can get away with bloody murder if you just blame it on problems in the Middle East, terror etc, look we’re doing it now, we just can’t help ourselves. We can’t pretend any longer either that Chinese people are buying a car each even if there a lot of them. For too long we’ve relied on the Billshut committee findings that since 1 in every 5 people in the world is Chinese, someone in your family, possibly even you must be Chinese also and use to much petrol on your corn-flakes.
Minister for Energy, Douglas Hole hastily admitted “OK maybe there were a few white lies but admit it, we had you fooled. You kept watching X-factor, buying cheap tat and believing your children had a tomorrow you suckers. What would you rather we told you? That within twenty years the only vehicles left on the roads would be run by the local militia and people like John Prescott! People would stop paying into their shitty pension schemes and the system would fall apart long before I can afford my farm down in Dorset.
There’s only so many country retreats for Bankers, Noel Edmonds and me to hide out on when Peak Oil hits you plebs like a concrete piano and you’re all eating dog food. Now get out of my way before I go all Mad Max on your arse in my Audi 4×4.

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